Isn't it painful, when your best is never enough?
You work so hard on an assignment. You stay up late to make it all perfect; reading it over and over to clear the grammars, make sure the point make sense, signed, sealed, delivered. And the day comes and you're so afraid, afraid of letting your mates down and afraid of screwing it up even for yourself. Then your teacher compliments everyone else but you. What a parasite, don't you think? You feel like you've completely failed yourself and you're lost and guilty and mad and everything. You tell yourself its okay, but you know its not.
You love someone so much and they tell you they love you too, you believe them. You put them first, so much that even you realize you've fallen behind. You give them anything and everything that makes them happy. Then they have friends which are so much more fun, cool, active and better to have around. They still love you, but you feel like you've been placed second. If they were lonely, you wouldn't be the first person they turn to. You feel so damn degraded, and there's nothing you can do about it. You could be sitting right there but they'll talk in secret messages and you just wish you weren't there instead. You try and you try and you try, it'll be the same. You tell yourself its okay, but you know its not.
You remember those friends that promised you forever? Well, they lie. When they're around a much better clique that does mainstream things, they'll always pick them. When did they ever pick you? You think about it now, yeah that's pretty true. They'll never turn down those things to have a simple day with you. Why would they? You're not fun, you're not pretty, you're not rich, you're not enough. That's the thing, you'll never be up to their standards. You ask yourself why do you waste your time, well, you really don't wanna answer that. You tell yourself its okay, but you know its not.
Your mummy and daddy, you'd always want to impress them. You know those times when they get angry and they just tell you how much of a failure you turned out to be? You try not to believe their words, but you forget, people tell the truth when they're mad or drunk. You start to ponder about everything tell you, and you start to doubt yourself. You're not smart, you're not beautiful, you're not the perfect child. Embrace imperfection? Bullshit. When do you not complain about not being good enough? You waste your time mentally killing yourself inside every night before bed and fall asleep with a hole inside you. You tell yourself its okay, but you know its not.
I wonder, I always do. I think of brighter things, happier things. I let it fill me up, and then I stop. It doesn't fill me up. Instead, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that the only way I make myself happy is to think of what would make me happy and not actually experiencing happiness as a whole. Sure, I smile and laugh and giggle. People tell me I'm happy around people. But am I really? Because If I go to bed sobbing to myself about the things I can do right, do better, do different, am I happy? I don't know. I kill myself a little bit everyday when I fantasize about things I wish happened instead of what I see through my naked eyes everyday. I sound like I'm so unfortunate, but that's not what I'm implying. What I'm really saying is, the people I surround and keep myself attached to are the people that make me happy, but I'm not the person that ultimately makes them happy to be with. Sure, I make them smile, but I don't make them happy. No matter how many gifts I buy for them, time I spend with them, effort I put into them, there will always be someone else. Someone else that makes them smile, laugh and giggle too, but that person makes them truly happy. I will never be that person. I will never make them happy, and I mentally kill myself everyday with that fact. I tell myself its okay, but I know its not.
Yours truly.