"It's about the singular moment between something terrible happening, and having to face the consequences. We've all been there; glass breaks on the ground, someone rear ends us while we're driving, a loved one dies - and we close our eyes just for a moment, delaying the inevitable acceptance. We know we will have to ask ourselves, how am I going to deal with this? But if I close my eyes, I can pretend it didn't happen, just for a second. It's the moment at the top of a very tall roller coaster."
I feel like a glass sitting at the tip of a table, one push and I fall to the ground into a million pieces. Or one pull, and I regain my balance.
It's one thing to feel like you don't belong, or feel betrayed. But it's an entirely separate feeling when you know you can do it, but nobody trusts you enough to believe you can. What a let down, isn't it? The one group of people you thought would share the same thoughts you have, end up judging you for all your worth and pinning you to a wall.
If I close my eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all? But if I close my eyes, does it feel like I've been here before? How can I be an optimist about this? And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love.
Right now, I want to smash my doubts into a million pieces. I want my phone to stop vibrating with messages telling me what's right, what's wrong, what I should and shouldn't have done. I want to stop seeing people post things to me on my social networks telling me to change my mind because my aspirations are possible.
You're wrong. You're all wrong.
What I can do is possible, you just don't want to believe me.
You just refuse to believe me.
Because of your shallow mindset, you want me to change.
Well, honestly? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't want you to teach me how to be capable of making my own decisions but I'm tired of you just having your things your way.
I'm tired.
so, so tired.
I feel like that glass cup leaning on the edge of a table, waiting for a push or a pull.
Yours truly.