Somedays, it's nice to tell the truth. To say what you like, who you admire, what you're afraid of, where you go to breathe. It feels lighter to tell the truth than tell a plain white lie. "I like pancakes, because you do." "I like Zac Efron, because you do." "I'm afraid of snakes too, because you do." "I like going to the beach, because you do." Instead, I like to write, because words are what I best express myself in and it's the only form I'm most comfortable with. I admire my mom, not celebrities or bands but my mom, because she's the reflection of who I want to be when I get to be older. I'm afraid of roaches, dirt, and rejection, because I hate being put in a position where people can choose to laugh at me or put a hand on my shoulder, knowing that they'd rather laugh at me instead. I like beaches or long car rides, but I indulge in books because I'm in a time machine and the only way out is when I say 'enough'.
Somedays, it's nice to be comfortable. Feeling that it's okay to be flawed, that's the most comfortable 'comfortable' can get. Where I can wear pj's all day, watch my favorite tv series over and over, have pretzels stuffed in my face, leave a mark at the side of my lip after eating, pulling my sheets over my head to sleep. I can listen to house music over and over, then switch to Lana Del Ray. I can take my keys and go out in the middle of the night for long drives. I can wake up to breakfast served on a tray. I can have money to go for as many concerts as I'd like (to die for). And it's okay to be that way.
Somedays, it's nice to be put first. When your friends make plans and you'll be invited. When your weight goes up and you still eat french fries. When your jokes run dry but they'll still laugh at you for it. When you get to pick hat to have for lunch and everyone genuinely agrees with you. It's nice to have your presence acknowledged. You're not an alphabet in a book, a dandelion in a field, a drop in an ocean, a note in a song. You're there and without you, it'll be different.
Most days, you can't always get what you want. You only get to talk to people that don't reply you with words less than the fingers on your palm. You have to tell a lie or two or many to save your ass or save someone else. You can be comfortable, but you still have to put up a proper front to risk embarrassment. You can't be put first unless you called the shots, or you'll just see their pictures on instagram later that day and they'll tell you "we'll call you out next time". And that's okay, cause that's part of growing up. We learn to accept that we can't always be it, and some of us will never be. Rejection is life's flaw, just like how scars are a soul's flaw. We shouldn't fear it, we should embrace it.
After all, what do we have to lose?
I hope this makes sense in whatever way it does.
Yours truly.